Bullies suck and my ex-stepdad was the first one I’d ever encountered in my life. There were more along the way, but this one, the first, did a number unlike any other and I, 32 yrs later, was finally ready to STAND UP FOR MYSELF and tell him the truth. Read on…this was in response to a birthday message he’d sent me on April 15 and I liberated myself on August 9, 2023!
Hi Bryan -
Thank you for the birthday message. I was surprised to hear from you as I’m not sure what caused the reason to stop speaking to me before but alas here we are. I’ve been thinking about how to respond to and if I was going to respond to your message. It took a lot for me to reach out to you in 2021 and I thought our relationship was starting to be mended and then I never heard from you again until my birthday. I felt a level of abandonment resurface which I had always felt since after the passing of my mother. Probably a little bit before that, since I’m being honest. This message came up during my prayers and devotional reading this morning, "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." God is everything in my life and truly without Him I’m not sure where I’d be today. I don’t even want to imagine it so I won’t. Bryan, it was very admirable you stepping in to help raise my brother and I with my mom and for that I am grateful. However, I struggled for many years while growing up in a house filled with abuse and violence by your hands. I thought you were a monster and the memories of me seeing you beat the shit out of my mother still haunt my mind to this day. I wondered if I’d ever mention to you, when we were in communication, how terrible it was and ask you why, but I didn’t want to hear whatever your reasoning was because deep down I was still working on forgiving you. I hated you for a long time and blamed you for a lot of my own problems and issues after my mom died. However, what I came to realize is my mom kept choosing you…choosing to stay with a man who would beat her and her kids. A man that would have affairs and do a terrible job of parenting and she kept us in such a toxic and dangerous environment. I realized I, too, was angry at my mother. I had to forgive her AND you if I truly wanted to heal. I had to forgive myself for the decisions I made whole grieving and I had to forgive because it was time for my heart, soul, mind and body to be free. I’ll never understand why you were so abusive and the reason but I trust it’s because deeply you felt insecure, inadequate, and someone at some point in your life had taken what little power you held and you were bound and determined to never let that happen again. I don’t care the reason at this point because there isn’t one. I’m not sure if I’ll ever speak to you again. I’m not sure I even want to and I know my brother wants nothing to do with you. Rightly so…you wrecked some havoc over our lives. But, as the scripture says, forgiveness isn’t easy and as a Christian (and a human wanting to be free) you must forgive. I’ve made this my life’s work to forgive and help other people do the same thing. I’m really great at what I do for a living and am so proud of the woman I’ve become today. Despite every trial and tribulation, my light still shines bright. I think it’s one of the greatest things my beautiful mama gifted me with…her ability to be broken, beaten, bloody, bruised by life and your hands and yet she never lost her light. You tried to take it, but was unsuccessful. It saddened me we couldn’t be friends because you were integral in the raising of me, even through the dark times, I learned a lot from you. I really enjoying talking to you in 2021 and some of 2022, but my heart deserves to be free. It deserves to be appreciated by people who love me and who I love. I’ve got a host of people who met that and then some. God has blessed me! From growing up with you and watching how chaotic your choices were (moving to Atlanta was the best thing for us though), I’ll never ever let anyone try and take my light, I’ll always do my best to do right by people, violence and abuse is never the answer, and I’ll always stand up for myself and those whose voice may not be as strong as mine. My prayer for you is that you live the rest of your days knowing you are forgiven by God, therefore I forgive you. I don’t see any reason for me to speak to you again as there’s no need, but know that my big heart frees you from shame, guilt, evil doing fine by your hands, and my life will continue to be blessed by the most high. I pray the same for yours. God has a master plan for all of us and I am so energized to keep following His path. Be well, Bryan, and may your family know love, ease, joy and happiness always.
Peace & blessings,
Alicia C. Easter daughter of Cynthia G. Lawson my Angel forever!